Damaged Goods

This was how I was referred to recently. A certain person decided he was no longer interested in me because I was damaged and he’s not into fixing women. Personally, I found it strange that I didn’t become damaged until after I made it clear we wouldn’t be sexing at the end of the night but I digress… His reasoning being my age, the number of kids I have, the ages of said kids, and the fact that I’m not where he feels I should be financially by my age and driving a Porsche or some such mess. I am not a good enough woman because I can’t afford a Lexus at 38. All I could say was wow. He was not interested in knowing any of the very valid, and at times noble in my opinion, reasons that have led to those things being the way they are. IMO, he wasn’t interested in me. Just the me he wanted me to be. That’s some mess but he’s entitled to his feelings. I just know he’s very wrong about me. So what are my valid reasons? Here’s the run down.


1) Marriage and kids – The reason I am only 38 and have already been divorced for 10 years is that I got married when I was 19 and he was 22. We stayed married for 8 years and have two beautiful daughters to show for it. Hold up! I have three children you say. Yes. Indeed I do. My son is the product of a puppy love situation I was in from the time I was ten until I was sixteen. We broke up not knowing I was pregnant. He was born two months before my seventeenth birthday. Three children explained. I also took a girl in her senior year of high school that I also consider my daughter. She was with me for the better part of two years but has decided that she needs to move on now that she’s grown. During the time she was with me, I struggled to support her as I did my other children. Completely. Including co-signing for her apartment when she went back to school. It’s all good though. I feel I did what GOD wanted me to do. That’s why I have a son 21, daughters 18 and 15 and I sometimes speak on another daughter that’s also 21 but not a twin. She’s in and out, mostly out these days but that’s her choice.


2) I am not rich. I never was. My parents did well for themselves but GOD bless the child. I didn’t enter the workforce full time until after my divorce. Meaning, I worked part time on occasion but for the most part, I was a housewife. I did the things that my ex-husband and I felt were better for our family. I took care of our home. The children didn’t go to daycare until after we were separated. The older two did spend a little time in nursery school but that was to give them time to play with other children aside from their siblings. After my divorce, I worked a few BS jobs then got hired on at Greyhound. I loved that job. After 9/11, travel slumped and I was downsized. Because Cleveland is a city that has taken more than it’s fair share of hits, I am just about to make what I used to make. That’s not so bad either. I’m not hungry, homeless, and my needs are still met.





3) Even with all the other things I had going on, I still managed to be the primary care giver of my mother when she was stricken with a major stroke. My mother had to retire from Internal Revenue because she had a stroke at her desk. I made the decision then that as long as she was able to stay home, I would take care of her. It wasn’t about money. It was about love. She was my mother and no one else was in a position to step up. I felt I had no other choice. She could well have afforded a good nursing home. Not only had she retired from IRS, my dad was still employed at GSA at the time. They had damned good insurance too. I wasn’t guilted, coerced, or blackmailed. There was no motive other than she was my mom. During the time she was with me, I took care of her, my husband, my kids, looked out for my little brother who was still home with my parents and made sure dad was doing ok as well. Not once did I ever act as if any of them were a burden to me because they weren’t. I as young, near burnout, dealing with a lot of stress, and doing it basically all alone but I kept my family together. I was only 24 when my mom finally went into a nursing home because I could no longer care for her. When she did, I felt as if I had failed as a daughter. My father passed away the next year. My brother got married and had a family of his own. Finally, I got divorced myself. All of this by 1997. I was just 27 years old.


Therefore, my question is “where did I become damaged?” I know my choices were the right ones to make. The only ones to make if you’re a loving, decent person presented with situations like those. My sacrifices don’t make me less of a woman. They prove my merit. The fact that he didn’t take the time o get to k now who really sat across from him is a greater loss for him than he knows. Some men truly can’t identify a helpmeet, even when she’s sitting across from him.

Let’s be honest here. A woman that put aside her dreams of college, not just for a man, but also to take care of her mother and family is not damaged. Could and should never even be considered in such terms. She’s a blessing to the person that’s lucky enough to get her in the trenches with him. Sure, I can live in a palace and be more than happy. I can just as easily live in the gutter and help you work your way up and out. I am that kind of woman and I have the good memories as well as the battle scars to prove it. I am not alone either. There are quite a few good women out there being overlooked because we don’t wear Prada and Jimmy Choo. It’s sad how little content of character matters these days.



My story proves that black women aren’t the only ones that overlook goodness when seeking a mate. It’s an epidemic these days. For the record, I know I’m not damaged. I shared this as a means to make people think about a scenario such as this one. Most of the time, we are so quick to deal with the surface that we don’t even realize that every single one of us has something that may not seem attractive to others at first glance. No matter what it is. An illness, a dream deferred, age, race, size, economic status…. Whatever for it takes, there’s a trait each of us has that might make someone judge us unfairly. If you a little deeper you may see that a seemingly negative trait may have just been a greater act of good. Or it may just be what it appears. You have to take the time to get to know that for yourself.

Any man that wouldn’t even allow me to explain about my mother isn’t the man for me. Anyone that would think that I should have let her go to a home isn’t for me either. The age I was when I bore my children, married, all of that is part of hat made me who I am today. I’m a damned good person and I’m actually proud of what I have done. Most of us should be so lucky as to say they have lived without regret. In that scenario, I most definitely can. That woman raised me and loved me. The best way she knew how. Along with my dad and a few others, she was one of the greatest and most complex people I have ever known. When she died, I hurt deeply but I knew she was free from her pain. I also knew I did right by her. That comforted me more than anything anyone said or did. I’d be damaged if I hadn’t stepped up. That’s a guilt that never goes away.

As for Mr. Man, he’s no loss. The only thing I mourn about people like that is that they just don’t get what true love and commitment is. I wish him well and hope he finds what he’s looking for. I also pray that he’s mature enough to accept and cherish it when he does.